A musing by Ariadne Massa (Sunday Times, 13th July 2008)

With his infectious smile, spirited remarks and positive energy, it's hard to imagine how Toscano suppressed his true being for 17 years to fit in society's pigeonhole of 'straight' people. At 43, the long traumatic journey has failed to etch wrinkles in his flawless complexion, which he attributes to daily moisturiser and veganism.

"I knew I was different at six. I was on a cabin cruiser with my family and I was staring at these beautiful lace curtains and I just wanted to touch them. Suddenly my uncle roars: 'Don't wipe your hands on those!' " he says, smiling.
By the time he was eight, he had crushes on his male teachers , which he kept to himself.

"I got the message pretty quickly that boys are supposed to like girls, and I heard bad things about homos, fags and queers," he adds.

Raised a Catholic and fascinated by spirituality, Toscano contemplated becoming a priest because being celibate meant he did not have to deal with his sexuality. He even went on a Capuchins' retreat and that was where he confided in a priest.
"He said God could heal me. He had me lie on the ground and prayed to drive the evil out of me. That was my first exorcism," he recalls.

Not finding the solution in the Catholic Church, at 18 he joined the Protestant Christians because the pastor told him God would "fix it". This did not work either, so he joined an ex-gay group in New York.

"This was at the height of the AIDS crisis so it was yet another example of evil," he says.
So why did he refuse to accept himself and prolong the agony?

"I wanted to be a missionary, but I needed to tackle this problem, because I was told I couldn't be gay and Christian," he said.

"I swallowed the lies that as a gay I couldn't be trusted, so I put my trust in older, wiser, straight men. The 10th Commandment says not to covet thy neighbour's wife, but I was coveting my straight neighbour's life."

So intent was he on becoming straight that at 25 he married a woman. She knew his concerns, but the pastor encouraged it and they both believed God would work a miracle.

"We were compatible companions, but I never desired her sexually, which must be one of the cruellest things a woman must face. I battled with depression and even contemplated suicide," he says.

After five years his marriage broke down and he enrolled in the ex-gay residential programme, Love in Action, which he graduated successfully from two years later. This period in life inspired his successful comedy Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo' Halfway House.

After being a "phantom of myself", he finally saw the light in December 1998, at the age of 33. Together with ex-gay survivor, Christine Bakke, he went on to set up Beyond Ex-Gay, an online resource for ex-gay survivors, and speaks regularly about the harm of therapies to change gays.
Toscano's advice to gay people is: "It's not easy or convenient, but if we're ashamed of ourselves, it's as if we give them permission to treat us shamefully."

His brain finally cleared, he started doing what he loves best - acting and stand-up comedy, earning a global reputation for his work, featuring in The New York Times, People Magazine and The Tyra Banks Show, among others.

He is now in Malta to present two performances: The Re-education of George W. Bush on Friday, and the Transfiguration, Transgressing Gender in the Bible on Saturday, at Warehouse 8, in Marsa (park near BoV and follow the signs), at 9 p.m.

"The Re-education of George W. Bush is not just about bashing Bush; it looks at issues of racism and sexism. We all have a little George Bush inside us, we just have to re-educate him. It weaves comedy and pathos and raises a lot of questions. For some people it's a bumpy ride," he says.
Peterson is in Malta on the invitation of Drachma, a Catholic group of gay people. For tickets call on 7940 4134.

Possessed by the Spirit of Perversion?

Accepting the fact that you are different from others, and sometimes accepting yourself for who you are may seem like a social struggle. However being told that you are possessed by the spirit of perversion, that’s just psychological madness. This is my story…

I knew that I was different from other boys from a young age, however never questioned it or gave it any importance, at the age of 18 I began to start questioning life and myself, and after considerate thinking, together with evaluating my feelings I realised that I was gay. Although deep down I knew, coming out was a very scary matter as one is always struck by that fear of what’s going to happen next?

When I came out to my mum about my sexuality I must admit she was not expecting this, however she was understanding and told me not to rush into things as this might just be one of the phases which adolescences may go through, and if I were gay she would have no problem with it, as nowadays its normal, however in order for me to find out if this were just a phase or not she soon referred me to a psychologist which at that time was a co-host on a local tv program which had to do with faith healing.

Upon my first visit she introduced herself and wanted to base the first session by getting to know more about me, my childhood and religion. Prior to my first visit my mum had also briefed her about the great ordeal and trauma which had hit us with the passing of my dad. After asking me several questions, she then asked, ‘so what are your concerns in life? What’s troubling you?’ She continued by asking if this had anything to do with my dad passing away? I replied by saying it was a very traumatising experience, however life must go on. I continued by saying that I am here in order for you to help me figure out if I am gay or if it may just be a phase.

She paused and said, ‘you gay?, not once did it cross my mind that you could be gay, however not to worry’ she added, and she soon reached out for a book which was created by a priest, whereby she told me to read these prayers, in order for the Holy Spirit to come into me and to basically deliver me from evil, and this was to be discussed in further detail upon my second visit. At that point in time being at such a vulnerable stage I just followed her orders, without any question.

Before I knew it the second visit had arrived, and this was when she dug deep into the subject of homosexuality, saying that our religion does not accept gay people and considers it as being a sinful act, she continued by saying that this can be fixed as gay people are possessed by the spirit of perversion, and this has been proven that by an exorcism the demon can be taken out of you and you would be ‘free to live a normal straight life’, she added by saying not to worry, that this works as an American priest, I believe, has performed an exorcism on a gay couple who had been together for an odd number of years, and by the end of the exorcism these two men turned straight.

At that point in time I was gob smacked, and she had invited me to one of the gatherings which this pastor was going to organise with a bunch of her clients, of course to further go into the subject having a greater effect as one would be hearing this from the mouth of a pastor.

Upon my third visit as she went on about the whole possessed issue and religious acceptance, that for me was the final straw, and I said, ‘I am sorry but who are you to say that god doesn’t accept me?, God accepts and forgives everyone and being gay is not considered as a forbidden sin, and as far as I am concerned I have never stolen, murdered or committed any mortal sin, and I have faith in God and surely I am not possessed and God loves me as I am. After all I am one of his creations!’ and that brought about the end of my third and final visit.

Straight after that I had called my mum, told her with all of the psychologist’s madness, whereby my mum gave her a piece of her mind.

By telling my story all I wish for are three things…

Firstly, people who are meant to give professional advice, must make sure that they know what they are doing, understanding what that person is going through, and before giving any advise, making sure that they have done proper analysis as by giving the wrong information or even nonsense, the amount of damage that they can do on that person is unimaginable, such damage may lead to sever depression and even suicide.

Secondly, what I would love to see happening is for the church to acknowledge that homosexuality forms a great part of the social structure, I know that till this very day people are still living in the shadows, the church must see the fact that being gay doesn’t make one a sinner, all it is, is just being drawn to the same sex, and moreover everyone has the right to be loved, and God himself said that showing love to one another and being loved is the greatest gift on earth.

And thirdly whether one is straight, lesbian, gay, bi, or transgender, this should not stop you from being yourself or for conquering your dreams and no one has the right to ever put you down or discriminate you, as we are all creatures of God and we are all Beautiful.

Anonymous - Drachma

Jgħallmek waqt li jdaħħkek minn Sammy Sammut (L-Orizzont, 9 ta' Lulju, 2008)

Meta persuna taċċetta lilha nfisha u ma tħossiex mistħija li tkun dak li fil-fatt hi, tkun ukoll kapaċi li tkisser il-ktajjen u ċċarrat l-irbit kollu li jkun qiegħed jassarha u xxekkilha. Dan il-pass iqawwiha u jnissel fiha l-ħila li toħroġ is-sabiħ kollu tagħha li forsi nżamm mistur kawża tal-biża’ li tesprimi dak li tassew tħoss, u li tattwa l-ħolm ta’ l-immaġinazzjoni fertili.

Peterson Toscano ħela kważi nofs ħajtu sakemm irnexxielu jsib rkaptu ta’ din il-filosofija, espressa f’The Identity Monologue, l-awtobijografija tiegħu rrakkontata f’żewġ minuti permezz ta’ YouTube.com. U dan għalih ma kienetx ħaġa faċli, iżda biss wara li qatta’ snin sħaħ jipprova jsib il-paċi mat-twemmin u l-omosesswalità tiegħu.

Fil-jiem li ġejjin, id-drammaturgu/attur/kummidjant Peterson Toscano se jippreżenta lill-pubbliku Malti tnejn mill-aqwa xogħlijiet teatrali tiegħu, The Re-Education of George W. Bush u Transfigurations - Trasgressing Gender in the Bible. Dawn il-produzzjonijiet se jkunu possibli bl-inizjattiva tal-grupp LGBT Kattolika, Drachma, b’kollaborazzjoni sħiħa ma’ Warehouse No.8 tal-Marsa.

Imwieled fi New York 43 sena ilu f’familja Kattolika iżda liberali ta’ dixxendenza Taljana, fl-adoloxxenza tiegħu Peterson inħakem minn biża’ kbir meta nduna bil-ġibdiet omosesswali tiegħu u ried li akkost ta’ kollox jeħles minnhom għax dejjem kien mgħallem li dawn kienu affarijiet maħmuġin u mmorali li jwasslu biss għad-dnub. Darba fost l-oħrajn, meta kellu sbatax-il sena, waqt li kien f’kamartu ħass il-preżenza ta’ Alla u hemmhekk iddeċieda li jibdel ħajtu u joffrilha lil ‘l Alla.

Billi ma setax jipproċessa u jifhem din l-esperjenza, Peterson tkellem ma’ xi parroċċani li bħalu kienu jiffrekwentaw il-knisja f’Times Square u dawn ikkonvinċewh li b’din l-esperjenza kien twieled mill-ġdid u messu jingħaqad mal-knisja nisranija tagħhom, kif fil-fatt għamel. “Dawn qabdu l-esperjenza spiritwali u ġenwina li kelli u interpretawha kif riedu. Nifhem li m’għamlux dan b’xi intenzjoni ħażina, iżda lili fixkluni. Bħala nisrani ridt li nogħġob lil ‘l Alla iżda waqaft infittxu direttament u minflok qgħadt fuq dak li kienu jgħidulu l-mexxejja tiegħi dwar x’ried Alla minni” huwa jgħid.

Għal Peterson Toscano, minn hemm ‘il quddiem bdiet taqbida mifruxa fuq medda ta’ kważi għoxrin sena, fejn għamel dak kollu possibli biex jeħles jew jgħakkes kemm jista’ l-ġibdiet omosesswali tiegħu, fosthom permezz ta’ trattamenti li għalihom nefaq xejn inqas minn $30,000 u għamel żmien jaħdem bħala missjunarju f’Żambja ġewwa l-Afrika u saħansitra żżewweġ lill-akbar ħabiba tiegħu għax ħaseb li b’hekk seta’ jinbidel u jsir “normali”.

Ħaseb li b’dak li kien qed jagħmel seta’ jirbaħ din il-battalja iżda bħal xi ħadd maħkum bil-vizzju tad-droga, huwa beda jgħaddi minn livell għall-ieħor fit-tfittxija tiegħu li jsib il-paċi u s-serħan miegħu nnifsu billi jfittex il-mezz li jeħilsu mill-ħażen li kien iħoss qed jaħkimlu lil qalbu u lir-ruħu.

Iżda minkejja kollox xorta waħda baqa’ ma sabx il-paċi miegħu nnifsu. Wara li kien attenda għadd ta’ gruppi ta’ appoġġ, kellem lil min jaf kemm il-mexxej tal-knisja, bi żwieġ li sfaxxa fix-xejn u li tellfu lill-akbar ħbieb li kellu, u saħansitra wara tliet eżorċiżmi, għaraf li kien jinħtieġ għajnuna professjonali u għalhekk involva ruħu fil-moviment Ex-Gay.

Aktar tard huwa kkommetta ruħu li jattendi programm terapewtiku ta’ sentejn magħruf bħala Love in Action fejn kienu jgħidu li permezz ta’ dan il-programm residenzjali setgħu jbiddlu lil persuna omosesswali f’waħda eterosesswali. Iżda l-verità kienet ħafna ‘l bogħod minn hekk.

Ġurnata minnhom bħal donnu ġie f’sensih u induna li dik deskritta bħala terapija ma kienetx qed tagħmillu xejn ħlief li kienet qiegħda tkissru fiżikament u psikoloġikament..... u agħar minn hekk, kien għadu omosesswali daqs kemm qatt kien. Peterson jgħid: “Matul dan iż-żmien kollu ħsibt li kont kristjan nitqabad ma’ l-omosesswalità, meta fil-fatt naħseb li kont omosesswali nitqabad mal-kristajniżmu”.

Għalkemm il-bidu ma kienx tant faċli, minn hawn ‘il quddiem ntefa’ b’ruħu u ġismu għat-teatru li kien abbanduna ftit snin biss wara li kien ggradwa fih mill-Università ta’ New York. Kien żmien meta kellu wkoll jitqabad ma’ twemminu għax kien ħasel se jibda jitlef il-fidi tiegħu. “Għal snin sħaħ qrajt il-Bibbja bħala arma kontrija”, huwa jgħid waqt li spjega kif waqt li kien f’Memphis sab grupp ta’ nsara li kienu gay u hemm tgħallem li seta’ jkun gay u nisrani fl-istess ħin. Għalih din kienet aħbar tajba għax għaraf li minkejja kollox xorta waħda kien għadu jħoss il-ħtieġa li jkollu kuntatt mill-qrib ma’ Alla.

Fis-sena 1999, Peterson waqqaf il-kumpnaija p2son productions u beda jippreżenta l-produzzjoni tiegħu Footprints: An Inspiration Comedy. Dramaturgu u attur ta’ karattri komiċi, Peterson jibbaża ħafna fuq il-poeżija, il-Bibbja u kitbiet oħra, kif ukoll intervisti estensivi biex jispirawh fix-xogħlijiet teatrali tiegħu.

Magħruf sew għat-trasformazzjonijiet impekkabli tal-karattri diversi li jintepreta, fuq il-palk Peterson litteralment ibiddel il-fiżjonomija ta’ wiċċu u s-sura ta’ ġismu, flimkien mal-vuċi u l-aċċent li juża għal kull karattru maħdum minnu.

Kien għamel id-debutt professjonali tiegħu fuq il-palk fl-1989, fil-play ta’ Peter Hanke “Kaspar” f’Cafè Bustello fi New York. Ħadem ukoll f’diversi films, fosthom Star Queen - A Star is Bored fl-2002, Getting Married? ta’ Eli Parker fl-2001, Fish Can’t Fly fl-2005 u Chasing the Devil: Inside the Ex-Gay Movement fl-2008. Aktar tard din is-sena mistenni wkoll jieħu sehem fid-dokumentarji This is What Love in Action Looks Like u For Such a Time as This.

Kien kemm-il darba mistieden jindirizza konferenzi lokali u internazzjonali, deher f’diversi programmi televiżi u radjofoniċi kemm fl-Ewropa kif ukoll fl-Amerika, fosthom The Montel Williams Show, Public Radio International, Current TV u The Tyra Banks Show, waqt li dwaru u l-esperjenzi li għadda minnhom kitbu għadd kbir ta’ ġurnali, inklużi The York Times u People Magazine.

Ix-xogħlijiet teatrali tiegħu huma diversi. Fis-satira li kien ippreżenta fl-2003 Doin’ Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House, permezz ta’ l-esperjenzi tiegħu huwa jesplora b’mod umoristiku l-istorja ta’ l-omosesswalità, l-omofobija u kwistjonijiet oħra ta’ diversità permezz ta’ monologi minn diversi karattri li jinterpreta fl-istess ħin.

Is-sena ta’ wara kien kiteb Queer 101 li addattaha għall-istudenti ta’ l-iskola sekondarja fejn, minflok ma jitkellem dwar l-istorja ta’ ħajtu, Peterson jagħmel użu mill-poeżiji lesbjani u gay biex jesplora d-diversità u l-umanità.

Bħal Identity Monologue, il-klipp maħduma għal YouTube u How the Indians Discovered Colombus, iż-żewġ plays huma l-vetrina tat-talent li jipposjedi biex jittrasforma lilu nnifsu f’persuni oħra differenti, b’vuċijiet u aċċenti differenti.

Apparti fl-Istati Uniti ta’ l-Amerika fejn huwa jgħix, Peterson ippreżenta x-xogħlijiet teatrali tiegħu f’diversi pajjiżi, fosthom fil-Kanada, fil-Kamerun, fl-Isvezja, fid-Danimarka, Spanja, l-Ingilterra u Wales.

U issa, bis-saħħa ta’ l-inizjattiva meħuda mill-grupp LGBT, Drachma, Peterson se jżur ukoll Malta fejn se jippreżenta lill-pubbliku Malti l-aħħar żewġ xogħlijiet teatrali tiegħu fil-Warehouse No.8, fil-Marsa. Il-biljetti qegħdin jibiegħu bil-prezz ta’ €11 għal rappreżentazzjoni waħda jew €15 għat-tnejn.

Nhar il-Ġimgħa, 18 ta’ Lulju, huwa se jippreżenta l-produzzjoni ta’ The Re-Education of George W. Bush, fejn bħas-soltu, bid-diversi karattri differenti maħluqin u maħdumin minnu, jagħti lezzjoni lill-President Amerikan Bush u lill-udjenza preżenti dwar l-istorja, il-gwerer, il-privileġġ li jġib miegħu l-kulur tal-ġilda, l-ambjent, is-sessiżmu, il-qari żbaljat tal-Bibbja, l-umanità u ħafna aktar.

L-għada s-Sibt, 19 ta’ Lulju, Peterson jagħti ħarsa mhux tas-soltu lejn l-iskrittura Ebrajka u dik Nisranija permezz tal-kummiedja Transfigurations - Transgressing Gender in the Bible, fejn huwa jiffoka l-attenzjoni tiegħu fuq diversi karattri li kellhom sehem kbir fil-ġrajjiet irrakkontati fil-Bibbja u li kienu transesswali jew ta’ xorta ta’ sess omosesswali.

Peterson Toscano, li kien għamel ukoll xi żmien jgħallem kemm studenti kif ukoll għalliema, jispjega li permezz tal-ħiliet teatrali tiegħu flimkien ma’ l-esperjenzi u l-ħafna weġgħat li għadda minnhom, fix-xogħijiet tiegħu jista’ jħares lil ‘l hinn minnu nnifsu u jolqot l-għeruq tal-passjonijiet interni ta’ dawk kollha li jkollu quddiemu.

Illum li sab u għaraf lilu nnifsu, huwa kapaċi jitratta aħjar il-problemi tal-ħajja ta’ kuljum. U b’dan il-mod, permezz tat-teatru kapaċi jdaħħak u fl-istess ħin jgħallem lil ħaddieħor mingħajr ma dawn jirrealizzaw. Għax ma jkunx qed jgħallimhom billi dawn jużaw moħħhom iżda għax jolqothom fil-qiegħ ta’ qalbhom. Jekk trid tkun taf kif u għaliex, nissuġġerilek ma titlifx dawn ir-rappreżentazzjoniet ta’ Peterson Toscano.

ssammut@unionprint.com.mt

Simply Inspiring!